OK, so we’re a mere week away from events kicking off in Los Angeles. Granted, the first cab off the rank, EA Play is no longer affiliated with the festival of gaming that is E3, but it does kick off the most exciting week on every gamer’s calendar.

Once more, STACK’s band of intrepid travellers will be making the trek to Los Angeles where we’ll be bringing you all the latest news from the show floor.

Today begins our seven day countdown and to kick it off with a bit of fun, here’s our list of 7 things you’ll never see at E3

1.Portal 3

Every year for close to a decade it’s been the same conversation in Los Angeles. Whether it’s stood or falling over at bars, in lifts and toilets, waiting in queues, or sitting patiently in press conferences fighting back jet lag praying for THAT announcement, it just never comes. And with the original writers long since departed, it’s doubtful that it ever will. Look, we got the FFVII remake announcement – that should at least get us through another decade…

2. Healthy food

Last year while waiting for a colleague to complete an interview, I watched a lad order the limpest burger I have ever seen, order additional cheese on top of what was already on it, and then take a ladle of liquefied cheese and poured over the top like he christening a child. I was more surprised that this guy was still alive than by observing his food fetish ritual. You don’t come to E3 expecting to eat well at the Convention Center. Trans fat central, yes – mung bean salad, no.

3. Moderate Just Dance volume

It’s the centre stage of the Ubisoft stand and obviously designed to attract the ambling masses by playing the latest Just Dance demo, with accompanying dancers on a stage, at 115 decibels. The Ubisoft booth is one our favourites to visit at the show on account of the access to the games we’re afforded. We’re hoping one year they implement the use of pit-crew radio headsets so we can hear each other speak.

4. An enjoyable stroll from the West Hall to the South Hall

It was bad enough when E3 was open solely to media and industry professionals, but now that the doors are open to the public too, you’re faced with an infinite wall of linebackers as you attempt to negotiate a pathway through the capacious corridors of the Los Angeles Convention Center.

5. Hysteria at press conferences

I love games and have done since the age of seven, and granted, there have been many occasions where a certain announcements have caused me to clap enthusiastically. However, I’ve never truly understood how a fully-grown men can collapse on the floor wailing uncontrollably over a sneak preview of a forthcoming title. Trust us, it happens every year.

6. Easy access to games

I applaud gamers who patiently wait in a queue for two hours to watch a ten-minute trailer or that join the long snaking lines for a precious five minute hands-on opportunity. Unless you a have a  coveted media or industry lanyard strung around your neck that, unlike PAX, allows access to the games you need to cover, you’re going to be faced with lengthy delays in order to get the opportunity to jump on your favourite game. You don’t often see that level of passion – it’s truly admirable.

7. Trouble

This will be STACK’s 12th consecutive E3 so we’ve seen everything just about everything possible you would expect from a major global expo – except trouble. Despite the queues, the pushing and shoving to get around, jetlag and hangovers, the only time we’ve ever witnessed a raised fist in anger at E3 is on a screen.