How many games of FIFA have you played? Impossible to count. How many different players have you gone head-to-head with? Again, impossible to count. But with all that experience under your belt, you’ll have noticed that the FIFA player can often be categorised. Here we take a look at the diverse range of FIFA players and attempt to classify them under one of the following stereotypes. Which one are you?

The Professional

We’ve all played the professional. They only ever play FIFA and have subsequently honed their skills, learnt all the formulas, and possess a complete understanding of individual player strengths and weaknesses. With an expressionless face, the professional will systematically take you apart in an incredible exhibition of football, utilising moves and skills on the pitch that you never even knew existed. Before you know it, you’re seven nil down and you’ve yet to push out of your own half.

The Quitter

Whether it’s in a tournament, part of a league, or just a one-off quick game before bed, the quitter just can’t stand being beaten. You’ll be playing them in a tight contest and squeeze in the winner two minutes before time. Just as you stop your celebrations, you notice your opponent has gone – or quit more like, in a childish tantrum – depriving you of the kudos/points. No one likes a quitter. No one.

The Mouth

Being beaten is never easy. Being beaten by someone who is clearly enjoying your humiliation is even harder to take. “Look at that, your keeper didn’t even know what hit him!” “Are you even trying?” “How about I give you a five goal head start?” “Do you want me to come back when you’ve had a chance to learn how to play?” This is generally accompanied by hand gestures, or actual dance moves when they score. It’s infuriating, but the joy of eventually beating them is unsurpassable.

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The Player

Three minutes into the game and you’re three nil down. But before you know it, you’ve managed to pull two back and there’s a new verve and energy about your game: “I can win this!” you keep telling yourself. But then you have two slotted past you in the dying minutes of the game. How is that possible? Well in short, you’ve been had. The player will recognise when you’re losing interest in playing FIFA and give you an injection of hope by letting you score. Then, in clinical fashion, he will strike. But you still did score repeatedly, you tell yourself. “I reckon I can win next time.” The cycle continues.

The Tactician

We’ve all played the tactician. They employ obscure strategies, spend time making man-marking selections, and throughout the game, the match is periodically halted to observe player energy levels before introducing substitutes at critical times. It’s initially unsettling – who am I up against here, Alex Ferguson? But once kick-off begins, the tactician’s planning generally amounts to very little if you’re handy with the controller.

The Tackler

We’ve all played the tackler. His skills consist of pulling down the sprint trigger for the duration of the game, and then unleashing sweeping tackle after sweeping tackle, picking up a score of yellow cards in the process, and eventually a red. Ultimately, this comprehensively upsets the flow of the game. They’re a pain to play, but easy to beat.

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The Winger

Learned from the days of Sensible Soccer and never forgotten, the winger does exactly what it says on the box – he sprints down the wings and sends over an endless barrage of crosses. The law of averages suggests that one of his strikers will eventually find the back of the net, either with a well-placed header or a poke home from a rebound. It remains an effective way of scoring in FIFA, and it’s hard to defend. [Ed – yep, that’s me!]

The Angry Gamer

It doesn’t take long. Score two in a row and watch the volcano erupt. The angry FIFA player simply cannot control their rage. Whether it’s verbal or a physical outburst, when you know you’re playing the angry gamer, the odds are stacked in your favour. Just keep applying the pressure and watch it all unravel in front of you.

The Excuse Maker

The excuse maker isn’t just localised to FIFA – you’ll find this one in any competitive gaming arena. Deliver a spanking to this bad boy, and watch the excuses start flowing: “I don’t play this on PS4.” “I’m not used to the Xbox controller.” “The last time I played FIFA was on the PlayStation.” “I’m more of a PES player to be honest.” No, you’re probably just shite.

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The Scammer

Chances are you’ve even been this guy yourself. This hustler will sit down next to you, pick the controls up, and mention that they haven’t played much FIFA. They’ll probably even ask, “What are the controls again?” The game starts, and it takes about ten seconds to realise you’ve been done. The game will probably end 7-0 to the hustler, who will casually profess to being “better than I thought I was.”

The Noob

No one likes to play a noob – in anything. Watch them try to play a shooter and marvel at how someone can remain staring at the ground for 30 seconds before working out how to look up. It’s the same with FIFA. “What does this button do again?” “I can’t work out how to run.” “There’s something wrong with the goalkeeper.” “I keep hitting the button but he won’t shoot!” Don’t put up with it. Refuse to play at all costs. It’s the reason the CPU was invented.

So what kind of FIFA player are you?

FIFA 17 is available September 29. Pre-order now at JB Hi-Fi.