If you haven’t already heard the greatest news of the year, don’t drop your popsicle but Alanis Morissette has written a musical based on her 1996 album Jagged Little Pill.

Morissette confirmed last month that the stage show is all but completed and will debut in the States in May 2018. But how will it work? As a fictional story around a fictional character, like The Who’s Tommy? A fictional plot around an IRL musician, a la The Beatles’ A Hard Day’s Night? A real tale about a real musician, as in The Buddy Holly Story?

I’m not sure, so here’s a suggested opening scene which tells the story of how I discovered Alanis Morissette, all based extremely cleverly around the lyrics to Jagged Little Pill‘s opening track. Yes, this is exactly how I remember it.

ACT 1
SCENE 1: SCHOOL TUCKSHOP

Lights come up on the tuckshop queue at an inner-suburban girls’ school. Tartan skirts shift and shuffle together as a group of girls murmur to one another, waiting for TUCKSHOP LADY to open the window. Enter LAURA and GEORGIA, two blonde Year 6 girls, who are discussing hot jam doughnuts; and ZOË, a dark-haired Year 6 girl who peers through the sausage roll condensation on the tuckshop window.

ALL
AND ALL I REALLY WANT
IS A CUSTARD SLICE
A WAY TO CALM THE HUNGER PAINS
AND ALL I REALLY WANT
IS A FOUR ‘N’ TWENTY
A HOW-A-WOW-A-WOWA-WOW-WOW

ZOË (forlornly)
How do I stick it out?
No wonder I’m so jaded but all strung out
I have decided I don’t like dance remixes

LAURA
You’re like Taylor Momsen
You used to love strawberry shortcake but now you spit it out
You’re frustrated by the pageantry

GEORGIA
And you are not sure if Ugly Phil and Jackie O are all that great
If only you knew about PBS
And you are fascinated by the electric guitar
If only the internet was a thing

(LAURA hands ZOË a CD of Alanis Morissette’s single Ironic. The three girls do a do-si-do while the queuing girls kick ball change into some sick Ethan Klein moves and rejoin the song.)

ALL
AND WITH THIS GIFT
YOU’VE FOUND A SOUL MATE
SOMEONE ELSE WITH PLEATHER PANTS
AND WITH THIS GIFT
YOU’VE GOT A KINDRED
A HOW-AWOW-AWOW-EE-WOW-EE-WOW

(SCENE.)