Have you ever noticed when you’re up watching Rage how similar styles of music so often have similar styles of videos? We reckon there are some unwritten rules out there, and we’ve decided to write them down.

Presenting STACK‘s guide to making a music video – with our tongues planted to a certain degree in our cheeks. Before anybody lynches us, the example videos below don’t necessarily feature every ingredient listed.

 

DOOF

  • Oodles of cheesy computer effects
  • Endless strobing
  • Close-ups on old school keyboard equipment
  • A supermodel-like puppet to mime the words sang by the real singer who’s considered less pretty

 

Ballad

  • Vaseline (for the lens) and plenty of it
  • A Favio-a-like
  • Rain
  • Ridiculous “I’m an eagle, look at me!” poses

 

Indie band

  • Bored expressions
  • A geek in glasses
  • At least one stripy shirt
  • A girl, as it’s the only way the band can actually get close to one (unless it’s one of their mums)

R&B

  • (For women) Skimpy clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination
  • (For blokes) Tight-as dacks that leave nothing to the imagination
  • Preposterous dance moves to give young imitators future back problems
  • An airbrushed, pretty-pretty love interest

Metal

  • A lead singer who appears in constant agony
  • All the tattoos
  • Repeated close-ups on guitarist’s fingers
  • A minimum 30 seconds of moshpit footage

Rap

  • As much female nudity as can cruise by the censors
  • Enough bling to make the crown jewels blush
  • As many expensive European cars as can be hired for the day
  • More O.T.T. hand gestures than your average mime
  • A LANGUAGE WARNING